Good Riddance

Sydney Morning Herald

Wednesday October 6, 2004

Emma-Kate Dobbin

When you've been very, very bad, it's time for a detox.

I have always believed that no man satisfies quite like the Colonel (and his 11 herbs and spices). My flexibility is limited and the only thing zen about me is the $2 incense I buy from a dodgy shop in Darlinghurst. So when asked to participate in a 10-day detox program with daily yoga sessions and a strict diet based on macrobiotic principles (no wheat, dairy, sugar or processed foods), one thing crossed my mind - I am screwed.

DAY 1 Monday 5.40am: Day one of macrobiotic vegan hell. Morning ritual of a glass of water with lemon juice burns my throat. Rock into yoga in trackie daks and my pyjama top. Everyone else appears to be in black velour couture tracksuits. The yoga is hard but the ultra-flexible teacher inspires me with my own personal motto: "Flexibility improves shagability."

8pm: Got through day one. Accidentally told my boss there was LSD on my quinoa (wheat substitute) porridge. Meant to say LSA (linseed, soy and almond meal). Was ravenous all afternoon so nearly ate my hand. My attempt at cooking my adzuki bean stew provided endless entertainment for flatmates.

DAYS 2-3 Have sharp pain stabbing my temples all day. Give me sugar. Getting a bit better at the yoga and at getting up at "the cracka". Had strange dreams about stabbing my loved ones. Yoga teacher informs us of yang dreams. Dreams of brutally stabbing friends/boyfriends/bosses are a sign of the body "letting go" of toxins. Phew!

Morning "tongue scraping", to remove toxins that accumulate there overnight from the liver, proves a horrific experience. Getting slowly used to wholefoods and have developed "friends" (rice milk, brown rice and stewed organic pears) and "enemies" (quinoa porridge and tempeh or soybean cake). Would still murder for a coffee, in fact I almost snatch a coffee out of a stranger's hand at one point.

DAYS 4-5 Finally, no axe-murder dreams, headache gone. Yoga teacher informs us that when the body is rid of toxins we'll have ying dreams (dreams we can't remember). Have become smug in a way that only a macrobiotic yoga-practising person can be. Scared of weekend though; it could be my downfall.

DAYS 6-7 I miss the yoga over the weekend (it's only on weekdays) and discover I'm looking forward to Monday. Go to a friend's place for macrotinis (ginger tea in a cocktail glass) and realise that I am still having a ball, booze-free. Go figure.

DAYS 8-10 Have decided to break up with Colonel Sanders. We can have the odd date but he just wasn't bringing out the best in me long term.

Have lost weight, eyes are white, skin is clear, compliments are flying in. I've even filed stories before my deadlines. OK, am still stinging for a coffee.

Last day of yoga is so sad that I join a yoga gym in the city. How could I leave behind my downward dog and the five Tibetans after they have brought me so far?

LIFE AFTER DETOX

Have now been off detox for nine days and my tastebuds have changed completely. I don't even want sugary foods and was hungover from one drink last night. Don't think I will be hanging out at Macro Wholefoods on my weekends, though, and am definitely back eating meat (animal not specific).

However, not everyone is so sure that detox makes a difference. I ask Dr Kenneth Phoon of Neutral Bay.

"Detox is a medical term for people cleansing their bodies from substance abuse," he says. "Although you would feel fantastic, nothing chemically has changed in your system."

For more information on yoga detox see www.karma.net.au

© 2004 Sydney Morning Herald

Back to News Index | Back to Home